Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
