can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
