Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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