I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She's like a pop up book from hell.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
