your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize