The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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