If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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