I must be too annoying 4 u.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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