i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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