yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
