I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
