I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
