I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
