I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
pray to the hookup gods
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
