I cannot find my penis.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
