Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
