i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
