Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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