Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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