i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize