I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize