What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
