Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
