I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
