i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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