the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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