Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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