I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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