what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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