I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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