and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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