You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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