It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize