dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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