I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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