I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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