May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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