eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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