i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
