i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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