i think i have herpe
just one?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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