Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
