At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
