Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
