shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a hot homeless man
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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