God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
