dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
