so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
