He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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