come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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