you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
