i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Randomize
