My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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