I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
