I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
