If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
