someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
