so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
