I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
