perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
