Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
