you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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